Broken Record-- Trust The Lord
I know, I know, I have more than likely already written something about having trust and patience in The Lord. But I also know that I have, too, written about having to practice these things every single hour of every single day.
Every post I write is because I have gone through something and come out the other end with learning or understanding something. Sometimes it is something new I have learned during my walk with The Lord, but most often it is something I have already experienced, just in different situations.
If you have a heart attack and realize the importance of a healthier life style and diet, you still have to practice that new life style every single day. It’ll be easy at first. Then over time you might forget how serious that heart attack was and, in turn, what you learned from it, and not stay on that healthier side of life. See where I’m going with this? Just because you go to Mexico and become fluent in Spanish does not mean you will know Spanish forever—you must practice it everyday. Get it now?
My point is, you don’t just learn something once and you’re good. Doing those things every day is key in making something habit.
So, without further ado, my story.
There has been a multitude of things that I have been indecisive about lately. My indecisiveness has stemmed from this feeling I have been unable to shake for about a year/ year and a half now—the dreaded feeling of being inadequate. Recently, I was talking about my struggles and reservations with my new "big girl" life that I felt like I was failing miserably at, with a new coworker whom I hardly know, when he said something so simple, but that put everything into perspective: "The real world hit you… hard."
That's it. That one sentence that isn't philosophic, or biblical, or even very profound, is the one thing that made so many things click for me.
That may be confusing, so here is some background:
The summer before I graduated, as well as my last semester of college, a mountain of things caused me to be in the worst and lowest of places mentally, spiritually, or any way you slice it. And since then, I've been slowly trying to lift myself back up to the carefree confident girl I was not so long ago.
The thing stopping me from being that girl has been this insurmountable ashamed feeling that has been haunting me. I‘ve been ashamed that it seems as though I "peaked" in college and now that I am in the real world I am failing miserably. As someone who was incredibly involved in student organizations and maintained excellent grades, no longer having anything work towards has created an overwhelming feeling of defeat.
My perspective thus far has been: college— where you can be involved in various things and have a million and one things to work toward at any given moment. And the real world— apply for many jobs, get one job, go to that one job everyday, done.
I found out the harsh way that once you get a job then that's pretty much all you do... from 8-5 you focus solely on one thing with little energy after to spread yourself to anything else when your work day is done. That was my life for a good while proceeding graduation-- no more organizations to plan community service for, no team events to work on the weekends, no more study groups, no more exams to ace, just work, home, work, weekend, work.
"The real world hit you… hard."
[The Turning Point]
And that it did! I often forget that everything is a process and that little to nothing happens overnight. I became so involved in college over time of finding my own groove, and likewise, it has and will take me time to find my "big girl niche."
And maybe I haven't found my niche yet because I haven't been in the right place to allow me to stop agonizing over all of the things I haven’t been doing, instead of focusing on all of the things God has been and IS doing in my life because He loves me no matter what I accomplish.
Right after graduation I became a Registered Dental Assistant in which after five months I was blessed with a job offer from Bryan Broadcasting. Six months later, I received yet another offer; this time from KBTX Media. God was sneaky when He was unfolding this one! During His process this past year I had no idea why He was leading me to temporary job after temporary job without giving me what I needed to know that that was the right job for me. Feeling like each job was just another step in my journey made it extremely difficult to stop wondering about my next move.
Now looking back I am able to smile at how much I grew from this specific journey. I grew in my patience and my trust in The Lord, and now I am finally at peace because I know this is where He wants me and has been leading me for the past twelve months. Now I have the ability to stop wondering about what’s next and finally focus on this incredible new job The Lord has given to me. Is it forever? Who knows! All I know is that every job I have had for the last year has prepared me for this one—The Lord was preparing me for this specific experience.
That’s what He does. I trust The Lord in every aspect of my life, so why on earth did I feel so hopeless? It is easy to trust when you understand your circumstances, it is when the dreaded unknown and uncertainty creep in that trust is harder to hold on to.
I now have newfound wisdom and understanding from the whirlwind of aimless confusion and uncertainty I've recently felt. I would not have made it back to my carefree and confident self had I not have gone through the doubt and uncertainty of “why did The Lord bring me to this job if it is only temporary?”
“Who among you by worrying can add a single moment to your life?” Luke 12:25
I feel more like myself than I have in way too long and I'm ready to face life not as a "student" or even as a "big girl," but as someone loved and adored by the one true King.
"She is clothed in strength and dignity and laughs without fear of the future." Proverb 31:25
So again, if there is something you are struggling to find clarity in in your life right now, don't worry! God's got this. Just sit back and enjoy the wonderful walk.